The journey begins with the Honeymoon stage. We've finally met the man or woman of our dreams and our focus is on how wonderful our partner is and on fantasies of how perfect out future life together will be. It is easy to sacrifice our own needs and wants to please our partner and pleasing each other is a major preoccupation. The obstacle to be overcome in this stage of the journey is the illusion that two have become one, that with just a little time all our dreams can come true. The honeymoon is over  when we begin to notice that our partner isn't really all that perfect. The little quirks that seemed so charming when we were dating are a major pain in the behind when we have to live with them day in and day out. Our focus shifts from all the ways our partner fits our image of the perfect mate and we only notice the areas where they don't match our blueprint. Along with our change in focus comes a change in behaviour. If our partner refuses to be perfect why should we go on sacrificing our needs in order to meet theirs? As we begin to focus more on ourselves we set the stage for the next part of our journey - the power struggle. As you explore your relationship, try the exercise links that will lead you to homework tasks that can improve your marriage.

star An excercise for this stage is located here

The power struggle stage begins with the recognition that our partner isn't the ideal person we thought they were going to be. The relationship held such promise - but the promise was broken and we feel angry, disappointed and disillusioned. Maybe, however, we can get what we want if we just try really hard to get our partner to act the way they are supposed to. Now begins the threats, the cajoling, the tears, the anger and coercion that marks the power struggle.

 The obstacle to be overcome in this stage is the belief that we have a right to "force" our partner to be the person we want them to be; the illusion that force can get us what we want. If we are lucky we can begin to forge a "we" approach to our relationship rather than an "I" approach. We can remember that it was our differences that brought us together and we should treasure our uniqueness not try to abolish it. A pitfall of the power struggle phase is the "spite war" - when my anger and disappointment is so great that I hit out at you because of my frustration. When you retaliate battle is joined. It can take the form of physical fights or the more subtle (and more painful) emotional battering that we sometimes see in troubled marriages.

 The power struggle can go on for years, until we come to accept (and love) our partners just the way they are. Then we can enter a stage of stability that marks the next phase of our journey.

starAn excercise for this stage is located here

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