Rule 3. If you must - you won't. If you can't - you will, but if you may - you just might.

The more that you demand your partner do something the more they must resist - in order to maintain their individuality. In the same way if someone tells me I can't do something I immediately start planning how I can get to do it. These patterns always seem to show up in relationships during the " Power Struggle " phase. When we first start dating all we can see is the wonderful things about our partner. Slowly we begin to notice that their not totally perfect - there are slight flaws, but if they correct them everything will be OK. Slowly this can build into a tug of war. One side says "Prove you love me by doing what I want". The other side says " Prove you love me by accepting me the way I am".  If these demands can change to preferences - " I would like you to change but it's OK if you don't want to" - the easier it is for your spouse to respond to your request.

Rule 4. If you win - you lose! 

All relationships require negotiation. Who's family are we going to visit on Thanksgiving, who knows the right way to discipline the children, how many times a week should we make love? As we try to reach agreement on these issues it's easy to push for our way of doing things because we know our way is the best. Trouble is we can win the battle and lose the war. If you "persuade" your spouse to see it your way by coercion, anger, threats or just plain stubbornness chances are  they will be mad at you and will find ways to get even. You may have won the argument but, if your spouse feels they lost out, you will probably lose in the long run. This kind of arm-wrestling always leads to a winner and a loser - and so always leads to someone feeling resentful. The alternative is to always work towards a win-win solution, where both people can feel that they come out ahead. This is different from a compromise which is usually a lose-lose situation where both parties end up feeling resentful. Win-win thinking requires that both parties needs are met, and that we won't accept a solution that isn't a win for our spouse. Sometimes that requires some very creative thinking, but in the long run it's worth the extra effort.

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