I am now in the 20th year of my second marriage and I'm still trying to figure out the "rules" for having a good relationship. Our prospective partners never seem to come with either a set of instructions (or a warranty) so here are the rules I've figured out so far.....

Rule 1. Before there can be a "we" there has to be an "I".

Many of us have entered relationships looking for someone who will be that "missing part" of us. It's as if there's a hole inside us and the love of our life fills that hole and makes us feel complete. The problem with this idea is that we start to need our partner in order to feel whole and complete and this puts a tremendous burden on them. It's as if our cup is always empty and we need our spouse to fill it up. Trouble is there's a hole in the bottom of that cup and no matter how much love or attention or praise is poured in it's never enough. We become more and more demanding and for a while our partner will try to respond. Eventually, however, loving us becomes a burden and a duty and the relationship is headed for trouble. To avoid this trap we need to become aware of our needs and become capable of filling them by ourselves if necessary. This removes the burden on our partners and they will find it's a lot easier to give to us if they don't have to all the time. We need to learn to enjoy our own company, although we like spending time with others. To love ourselves, even though we delight in affection from our spouse. To be proud of our accomplishments, although we enjoy being praised. This means learning to love, value and genuinely like ourselves and then to offer this as a gift to our relationship.

Rule 2. Respect your spouse's feelings, opinions, ideas and uniqueness.

We were initially attracted to our spouse because they were unique and different from us. It seems , however, that as soon as we're in a relationship we try to change them and make them just like us. The little idiosyncrasies that were charming when we were dating become major irritants now that we're living together. Of  course we know that our spouse isn't trying to annoy us, they just don't   realize that their doing it wrong! And it's surprising how mad they get when we try to be helpful and point out their mistakes!! We need to realize that our partner is a competent, capable adult human being. They successfully lived their lives before we came along and they don't need our advice. They have every right to their own opinions and their ideas are no more "right" or 'wrong" than our own. Your partner has had different life experiences than you and that is what has caused him or her to reach the viewpoint that they have. If we invalidate them, we are subtly telling our partner that they are not quite OK - a good way to break down a relationship. We also need to allow our partner to have whatever feelings and emotions they decide to have. Often this is difficult. It's hard to allow your spouse the luxury of being angry - especially if you are the object of the feeling. Remember, however, that your partner has the right to feel whatever they want and you don't have to do anything in response to their feeling. Some of the things you do will infuriate your partner. That's a fact of life when any two people live together. That doesn't mean that you have to jump to change what you do - nor do you have to convince your partner that s/he shouldn't be mad.  It's important to distinguish between feelings and actions however. Feeling angry is your right,
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