When I first became aware of this concept, I found it a little hard to swallow. I wasn't sure that these responses could be changed. After all this was "Just the way I am" wasn't it? Over time, however, I came to realize that I could change my responses if they didn't get me what I wanted. For example, I used to react with anger if one of my staff challenged a decision I had made. I think the underlying reaction was a fear that I wasn't a good manager, that I was doing it wrong. As a result of always needing to be right about everything my management style was seen as dictatorial. People didn't like working for me and I had a high rate of staff turnover.  At first  I wanted to blame my staff - they just weren't good people. Then I blamed the company, then the workload in my department - basically anyone but me! Eventually when all these excuses failed I had to look at the truth. I wasn't treating people well and that had to change. I made a conscious decision on how I wanted to react when someone challenged me. I decided I would like to listen objectively to their idea and see if it had some merit. At first when I tried to put this into practice  it didn't work well. I remembered the "right" way to react about a day after I had already reacted in my old pattern. I persevered, however, and over time the delay between the event and my awareness of it decreased until I could catch myself just as I was about to react with anger and I could choose a new response. As my staff began reacting favorably to my new approach I found that my new style soon became automatic and I didn't have to think about it. Staff turnover dropped to zero and the atmosphere at work was great.

I've used the same process to change many other non-useful patterns in my life since then and I find that more and more often now I'm creating the results I want. The first step (and sometimes the most difficult) is to accept responsibility for the results you are creating. The more we blame others, chance or circumstances for the things that happen in our life the less power we have to create the results we want. I've adopted the belief that " If there's a problem in my life I played a role in creating it, either by my actions or by my inaction." It's tough to live by this creed but it is rewarding. After all, if my unhappiness is due to something you are doing then I have to wait for you to change before I can be happy - and you may not change!!

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