Listening Styles
There are three basic listening modes:
· COMBATIVE listening happens when you are more interested in promoting your own point of view than in exploring someone else’s view of the world. We then listen for flaws in their argument, for weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are secretly rehearsing some devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and leave us the victor.
· ATTENTIVE listening is different in that we are genuinely interested in hearing the other person’s point of view. We are willing to accept that we may have something to learn from this interaction and we are willing to drop our defense of “my view of the world is the only correct one.” In spite of this willingness, however, we inevitably will hear the person through the filters of our own beliefs. We will make assumptions, fill in the gaps of what they say with our own ideas. We also don’t check that what we have heard is in fact what the other person intended to communicate.
· REFLECTIVE listening is a much more active process that assumes that communication is a two-way street. I hear what you say and I build some kind of picture in my head about what you mean. I then feed that back to you to check that I got the message correctly. It is the feedback process that distinguishes reflective listening and makes it so much more effective. As we give each other feedback we can progressively fine-tune our mental pictures until they are substantially the same. At this point you can be sure that I really do understand what you meant to say.
It’s important to remember that people act on the basis of what they understood that you said, not on what you actually said. To ensure that you understand correctly paraphrase what you think the person said and ask them if that’s correct.
“ So what you’re saying is that you can’t give me that contract until the ecological report is complete, is that it?” or “What I’m hearing is that you don’t want me to go out with the girls tonight. Is that what you’re saying?”
When the person you are listening to perceives that you are really interested in hearing what they have to say it fosters relationship and improves the chances for accurate communication.