WE COMMUNICATE IN DIFFERENT WAYS
Verbally - through spoken or written words
Non - verbally via non-verbal vocal sounds (e.g. groans, laughter), facial expressions, body positions and movements
Behaviorally - our actions communicate our thoughts, feelings, desires, very clearly.
Silently - 'I do not want to communicate with you' or 'I am afraid to communicate with you' or 'I am too angry to communicate with you'.
Tuning in - to a person means recognizing at least some of these aspects of the communication and checking that you understand correctly and that you are understood. You can check that you got the message by restating what you think the person is saying in your own words e.g. "You sound as if you are afraid', 'I get the feeling that you are asking me to help you", "You look a bit down". If the observation is inaccurate, the person can then correct it. If you are the speaker you can ask the other person to tell you what they understood that you just said. Although it may seem strange at first, you'll soon reap the benefits of more accurate understanding and it won't be long before your new communication style is second nature.
One other trick to improve your communication skills is to eliminate two little words from your vocabulary. The word BUT really means "ignore what I've just said" Think about the sentence " I love you but..." or "Your work is good but..." Try replacing "but" with "and" and see how the meaning changes. The second word to avoid is "Why?" Its hard not to respond defensively when someone says "Why did you do that?" and often the information we really want is
" What or how". " How did you come to do that? or What made this happen" is usually heard as less threatening and makes it easier to respond.
When we think about communication we usually think in terms of being able to explain ourselves effectively to people. We think in terms of being able to talk clearly about a subject, of being able to present our point of view in a convincing way. What we are missing, if we think this way, is the other half of the communication equation - being able to listen.
The bottom line is that people are never perfect, but love can be. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
-- Tom Robbins