If these things are true then what is the purpose of expressing our anger - rather than bottling it up inside us?
- Anger lets someone know they have crossed one of our boundaries.
- Anger can let someone know how strongly you feel about an issue
- Anger can give you the energy to do something about a situation that is bothering you - rather than just letting things go on the way they are
- Anger can separate us from people or situations that are likely to hurt us
- More than anything else, expressing your anger allows you to feel better. There is a great relief in letting it out, rather than having to expend all that energy in
keeping it locked inside.
Bearing these purposes in mind, how then do we go about expressing the anger we feel? The first thing to note is that for most of the purposes 
listed above, we
ourselves are a fundamental part of the equation. Another person may not know where we set our boundaries. A relationship that isn't working for me, and that I need to separate myself from may be working very well
for the other party. This means that in expressing our anger we need to talk about ourselves - rather than pointing the finger and saying "you". When we start saying "you" we generally end up blaming or shaming the
other person. This isn't likely to help resolve the situation we're trying to deal with. They just get defensive and our positions polarize. The result is usually just a lot more anger on both sides and the conflict
continues. Another way of looking at this is to focus on the fact that what we (hopefully) hate is what the other person is doing, not who they are. My wife hates the fact that I leave my stuff all over the
coffee table, but I hope that she still loves me. If she states her concern by shouting at me that I'm a slob, that she didn't bargain on living n a pig sty when she married me, that I'm an inconsiderate jerk - I'm
going to be so busy defending myself that I won't want to pay attention to her concern. What I end up hearing is "I don't love you anymore." This is very scary for me so I start to get angry in return. The result is
a bitter fight rather than a resolution of the problem
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