So are there other alternatives? Are there other ways of expressing anger that don't hurt ourselves or others? Yes there are, but the first step maybe to take a time out from the present situation so you can begin to take conscious control rather than going on autopilot. If you frequently have anger difficulties with one particular person, get their agreement that a time-out is an appropriate way for you to deal with your anger. Then if you do start to loose control, use the time-out to regain some perspective. I found this really useful when I was first allowing myself to express anger in my relationship. I didn't have lot of control of my anger at that point. I also had a lot stored from the past that got triggered and could end up getting dumped on my spouse - who had absolutely nothing to do with it. I would take a time-out, go down to the garage and break a load of cheap kitchen tiles bought for the purpose. After a few handfuls and a bit of swearing I'd feel much better, much calmer and I could go back inside to finish the discussion. There are many similar ways to deal with anger. Punch a pillow, get in your car and scream, tell a friend how angry you are, go outdoors and take it out on a tree or a rock. Write a long letter to the person you're angry at - and then burn it. No, don't send it. Burn it. Take a towel and twist it. All of these are safe and respectful ways to deal with your anger. The primary rule is - no one (including you) gets hurt. This also usually means that you don't do any of these in the presence of the person you're angry at. That just becomes a passive way of hurting them.
After a period of using time-outs and expressing old anger you may find that you only have current anger to deal with. This means that when something you don't like happens, the level of anger you feel seems to be appropriate to the magnitude of the situation. If another person is involved you might try telling them about how you feel. There do need to be some safeguards around this however. This means no physical contact, no blaming, shaming or name-calling and an agreement to stop if either party requests it.
After a period of using time-outs and expressing old anger you may find that you only have current anger to deal with. This means that when something you don't like happens, the level of anger you feel seems to be appropriate to the magnitude of the situation. Now we need to find appropriate ways to deal with current anger. As I mentioned before, we typically use anger as a way to try and control situations, so the reason for expressing our anger is to make someone else change. Now I'm going to ask you to try out an unusual idea - we don't have the right to try to force another person to change! We certainly have the right to ask someone to change. We have the right to let someone know the likely consequences of their behaviour, but we don't have the right to try to make someone different. This is especially true if we say we love this person.