The most common and most debilitating belief is that the victim somehow is responsible for the abuse. They did something wrong, and that is why they were victimized. This is usually the first belief that I try to question when working with a person who has been abused. After all, as adults we know that the child isn’t responsible. If we were confronted with a little girl who had been raped we wouldn’t start asking what she did to deserve it, or what she did to make the guy rape her. But so often victims of abuse blame themselves. They feel they should have known it was going to happen, or perhaps they did something that turned the guy on and that was the problem. Sometimes, if the abuse was ongoing, they blame themselves for not telling someone. Sometimes they may have repeatedly put themselves in a situation where abuse was likely or even inevitable. It is so easy for these victims to blame themselves.
The truth is, however, that there is no excuse for an adult to have sex with a child. It doesn’t matter if he or she seems to consent, it doesn’t matter if they don’t make a fuss, or cry out, or tell anyone. The adult is supposed to know better, is supposed to have the ability to control their behavior. It is always the adult that is responsible and never the child. There is NOTHING, BUT NOTHING, that a child can do that makes it OK for an adult to have sexual contact with him or her.
Child molesters often pick their victims. They choose to molest in situations where they feel they won’t be caught or reported. Often they choose the loner, the outsider who has few friends, a poor relationship with parents. Someone who may be eager for some affection or attention. Someone who won’t have any resources to turn to when the “attention” turns sexual. They often threaten the victim or the victims family with harm if the abuse is reported. These threats may, in looking back, seem silly. When you are a child they seem all to real.
An important first step for the victims of sexual abuse is to accept that they were not to blame in any way at all for the abuse that they suffered. That they can feel empathy for the victimized child inside them. That, when they were a child, they did not want to be sexual with their abuser, that they didn’t set it up, that they weren’t to blame for it happening. That if they could go back and do it over again they would do anything to prevent the abuse from happening. That they are not bad because this happened to them. They are not bad because of what they may have done to cope with being abused or as a result of the abuse. And most importantly, the person who they once were, the person they would like to be is worth the pain that healing may bring. Is worth the work and the time it takes to become whole once again.

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